Eucharist and coffee hour?

In the early church, the Eucharist took place as part of a common meal. The early model for the Eucharistic feast was shaped to follow the example, in anamnesis of the Last Supper. While the Greek word anamnesis translates (weakly) as 'remembrance,' and that's the word used in English translations of the words of institution during the Eucharistic prayer, the word means so much more than that. Anamnesis also means 'reliving' an event, and can include an expectation of something that is to come. In a full Eucharistic experience, we remember Christ, we live in the life of Christ, and we live in the expectation that Christ will come again. In the Book of Common Prayer, we proclaim this when we recite, as a congregation, "We remember his death, we proclaim his resurrection, we await his coming in glory." However, the contemporary church--at least, the denominations who still celebrate the Eucharist--has dropped the meal in favor of a wafer and a sip of wine, or even less, given the current panic about H1N1.

One purpose of the Eucharist in the early church was to feed the congregation, not only spiritually (through the Eucharist) but also physically through the food that was served at the Eucharist. While it has become expedient for the contemporary church to serve only the bread and wine (or wafers, grape juice, nothing at all, or whatever) as the Eucharistic meal, such has not always been the case. The Last Supper was indeed a supper; "While they were eating [emphasis mine], Jesus took a loaf of bread" (Matthew 26:26).

I find it intriguing that most contemporary churches that celebrate the Eucharist use only bread and wine (or permutations thereof), and many of those will go to great trouble to have coffee hour or a lunch afterward. I can see perhaps a desire to shorten the service, or preserve the cleanliness of the church building, as a reason for this. I think, though, that one response to our current economic problems--and an attempt to connect with God and with our community--might be a return to this part of early church practice. As much as we may not admit, some in our congregations could do with a good meal and good community. Encouraging a regular common meal in the form of Eucharist, in which congregants contribute food as they are able, might help ensure that all in the congregation are fed, it might serve to deepen spiritual practice as we connect with God throughout the meal, and it might deepen the relationship of the church community.

Drowning in living water?

My last post might read like the flailing of a drowning man. I'd been testing the waters for many years in my early spiritual life, then I jumped into the pool a few years ago. Soon--and some might argue too soon--after I joined my church here in Dayton, I began exploring a call to the priesthood. Being dismissed from that call, I struggled and finally was led toward the vocation of theologian. But I still felt like I didn't belong, and it was exactly like the first time I tried to swim. Only today did I realize that--my spiritual director has always been helpful!

When I was about ten years old (I think), I went to the pool at Bomberger Park, near downtown Dayton. I went up on the slide, and slid into the pool. I had never really learned to swim, but I went down the slide anyway. Into the water I went. Under the water I went. I flailed about, surfaced, and went under again. Finally I came up a second time, and I was able to relax and stop flailing.

So it has been with my spiritual vocation. Over the last year, I've been flailing about in a pool of living water (or the Holy Spirit). I've been trying to grasp for anything I could reach, to support me spiritually. All the while, the water has been there, waiting for me to stop flailing about, to stop resisting and just allow the water to support me. In learning to swim spiritually, I have to let go of whatever I've been trying to grasp, let myself float in the Spirit, and then finally take the first tiny stroke of swimming.

What does this mean for me? Well, I've been grasping for the ordination process for a while, first in trying to become a priest and later in arguing with my bishop about the process. While I think there is still something seriously wrong with the process, it is the nature of an institution. I really feel through this vision that it's time to let go, to stop flailing about, and to allow myself to be supported by the Holy Spirit.

I am being called to the vocation of theologian. That means I'll sometimes be at odds with my church--but if a voice speaks in the wilderness and no one hears, does the voice really speak? So yes, that may mean I'm called to be the outsider voice that reminds the church what it means to be the church.

If you're swimming by holding onto the bricks in the side of the pool, are you really swimming? The bricks form a home for the water, but they are not the water. Likewise, the church buildings and hierarchies form a home for the Holy Spirit, but they are not the Holy Spirit. Like the mystics of the early church, I am called toward the spiritual core of my faith, not to the hierarchy that forms its boundaries.

Realizing that, I also realize that in the father's house of many dwelling places (John 14), my ministry takes me far more often outside into the fog than even in the foyer. What a perfectly vicious little circle I brought myself into when I titled this blog... :)

A theologian, a centurion, and a voice in the wilderness

It’s almost like one of those jokes: “A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…” Such has been my ecclesiastical life, if not my spiritual life, of late.

It’s bad enough that I haven’t found the motivation to blog in the last couple of months. But I’ve felt a distinct sense of being an outsider, of not quite belonging, in my church since I returned from Iraq.

My spiritual director makes a point that perhaps my greatest fear is abandonment, since it’s something that has happened to me a number of times in my life, from the breakup of my family (though at a very early age), to being without a spiritual home for many years, to living alone, to my current situation.

I feel abandoned by my church. There, it’s on the web now, it’s out there. I feel betrayed by a church that does not seem to care for its military ministry, denies that there is even a problem, and seeks to deflect all discussion of the issue entirely.

A little background:

Those who really know me also know that I once sought to become a chaplain. You will also recall that that particular dream died rather suddenly just before I deployed to Iraq last year. Finally, you’ll recall that my vocation morphed into that of a theologian. What you may or may not know as well is that my dismissal from the ordination process broke my heart, and I’ve been struggling to pick up the pieces since I returned to Dayton.

The letter from the Commission on Ministry (COM), from about a year ago, makes only two statements regarding discernment of my call:

1. “Our discernment focused on a possible call to ordained ministry in general, rather than a call to a specific context in which one might serve as an ordained person.”

2. “After careful and prayerful deliberation, we do not believe that further exploration of the ordained ministry is called for, but want to be certain that you have an opportunity to receive the church’s blessing and affirmation of your baptismal ministry, and to explore additional resources to enrich that ministry.”

And that’s it. After two years of discernment, pain, and work, that’s the response, essentially saying, “We don’t want to bother with you.” Not even any sort of dialogue or serious spiritual guidance, just a slap in the face after a round-robin interview session that took less than half a day.

I’ve since learned to be wary of any statement which begins with anything like “prayerful deliberation.” I’ve seen and heard it far more frequently in connection with bad things than with good things—and that in itself is a very bad thing. I see the phrase as something of a cop out; to put it bluntly, a turn of ecclesiastical doublespeak meant to distance oneself from the harmful decision one has made.

I have two major theological issues that still have not been sufficiently addressed:

1. I believe that a call to ordination ought to be linked to its purpose. What is a call without its associated context? We are not called to stand at the altar and look pretty in robes but rather to perform some particular facet of God's work. I have felt called to ordained ministry, not ultimately in the context of parish ministry but to the congregation of the military. Without considering the context to which we are called, the COM--by its very nature and design--is necessarily biased toward the typical parish context and biased not only against ordained ministry to the military but also against all other particular contexts.

2. The tone—and words—of the response indicate that the COM is not interested in further discernment on this matter at all. Without further feedback, and in combination with my first point, this indicates to me an outright refusal in this diocese to explore a calling to military ministry. As a military member, I saw this even a year ago as a frightening turn of events. The outright refusal to take seriously a new call to military chaplaincy (as it is a “specific context in which one might serve as an ordained person,” as the COM’s response states) makes me feel like the diocese has taken a stance to turn its back on those parishioners who have answered the call to wear the military uniform.

What only a few of you might know until now is that I’ve been emailing about this to my bishop, and I’m no closer to any serious attempt to do anything other than sidestep each issue. So in addition to a theologian and military officer (centurion), I feel a little like John the Baptist, the voice in the wilderness who challenged the hierarchy of his day and lost his head for his trouble.

So now I’m left with some hard choices to make:

· Where does my ministry fit into the church?

· Am I called to live in the fog outside the “father’s house,” or is there a room where I can once again find a place to lay my head?

· Can I continue attending a church in which I feel like an outsider?

Well, it’s not much of a joke, but it does have a punch line…

Alleluia, Christ is risen!

This year, my Lenten experience has been...interesting. Of course, by 'interesting,' I don't necessarily mean in a good way--I mean both terrifying and exhausting.

I struggled during this Lent with a host of time management issues that have arisen from a perfect storm of my own desire to study theology (in my spare time, mind you), reintegration from deployment, everyone wanting to spend time with me, and my difficulty saying "no." While each is a good thing on its own, I've been swamped by what has become "too much of a good thing."

It all came to a head during Holy Week, when I was getting up at about 2 or 3 in the morning to write papers for school, then heading out to get to work by 7, then doing other stuff after work. By Maundy Thursday, I was exhausted, crushed, and ready to just drop everything and walk away.

I stayed in the church after the Maundy Thursday service. I watched and prayed for an hour--something that I'd done once during my first Holy Week, when my church had organized a rotating watch for the night, in remembrance of the disciples at the garden at Gethsemane, whom Jesus chided, "Could you not keep awake one hour?" (Mark 14:37). The activity died down gradually, and after about twenty or thirty minutes I found myself alone in the church. I prayed as Jesus revealed his vulnerable humanity, "Let this cup pass from me; yet not my will but your will be done" (paraphrase from Luke 22:42).

I "slept in" on Friday morning, until 6am. I returned to the church to pray for an hour before the Good Friday service. The Good Friday service was more to my mood at the time--very somber and solemn. Then I was jarred when Father Jim slammed a wooden cross onto the stripped altar. It was as though I was struck by something. It was a reminder--or perhaps anamnesis (a Greek word that translates weakly as 'remembrance' but also includes a reliving and a present experience)--of the nails being driven through Jesus and into the cross.

Incidentally, this is also a special time for all those who have served in the military. It was a centurion who, at the foot of the cross of a condemned rabblerouser, confessed, "Truly this man was God's Son!" (Matthew 27:54). And the guards posted by Pilate have their own empty tomb experience, albeit in a very different way (Matthew 27:65-28:4). (A good novel that deals with the aftermath is The Centurion's Wife, by Davis Bunn and Janette Oke. The centurion of this story is the one whose faith is praised by Jesus (Matthew 8:5-13) and who (in this novel) is assigned by Pilate to investigate the disappearance of Jesus' body from the tomb.)

I thought Easter Vigil was a bit early in the day this year, since the sun was still up after the service, but that's not important. What's important is the anamnesis of Christ's incarnation, crucifixion, and resurrection, all done for us in accordance with God's will.

Alleluia, Christ is risen!
The Lord is risen indeed! Alleluia!

Fear of God? Or fear of our friends?

Last week, I attended a meeting at church (and those who were present will remember this). At the beginning of the meeting, it was appropriate that we would have a prayer. There was one problem: no one would volunteer to lead the prayer. I'm as guilty of this as anyone else; after all, I was there, and I failed to step up, at least for the opening prayer. But something occurred to me later during the meeting: This is not the first such instance I've witnessed (and thus, been a part of).

So why is it that we don't step up to lead a prayer? Now, I'm not asking why we all don't enter ordained ministry and lead a congregation, since ordination is a different issue entirely. Why don't we want to be the person to pray in public, or not even in a small group of close friends?

Now, clearly I was multitasking during this meeting, since I was taking notes at the same time as I was examining myself about this. Here's what I came up with, at least for my own experiences:

• I'm an introvert. Say what you will about small group vs. large group, but being put on the spot for extemporaneous prayer is a tough one for an introvert, regardless of group size.
• I'm not accustomed to extemporaneous prayer. As an Episcopalian (even a non-cradle one), I've grown into the Book of Common Prayer and away from the prayer for the moment (or further so). While I can pray from memory a number of the prayers in the BCP, I'm not as good at letting the Spirit move me in prayer. It's certainly a failing, because, to some extent, I'm not surrendering myself to God in prayer.
• To some extent, I'm more afraid of people than of God. A scary thought, and certainly a failing, but it's not to say I'm not a 'God-fearer.' What it does say is that I have always feared the judgment of other people.

Ultimately, though, there is hope. There is room in the introvert for change, and there is room for the acknowledgement that no matter how much our friends love us, God loves us more.