The humanity of doubting

I’ve been in Iraq for just over a week now, and I managed to attend a chapel service last Sunday. The sermon, titled, “Do not doubt in the darkness what you have believed in the light”, dealt primarily with the presence (and purpose) of doubt in our lives. It was an eerily appropriate sermon for my particular circumstances.

Oddly, though I’ve flown nearly halfway around the world and into Iraq, I’ve felt less fear than in my normal life. Sure, I’ve struggled with doubt as I explore God’s call. And I’ve struggled with the loneliness that necessarily comes with this sort of social disconnect. But the irrational primal fears—those feel strangely absent.

Since I’ve arrived here (and before that, if you’ve read before), I’ve struggled with my own doubts. I’ve had doubts about God’s call to me, what shape that might take, and the timing of the call. I’ve had doubts about my job here and what I might do when I return. I’ve had doubts about my personal life.

But doubts, by themselves, aren’t bad things. As the preacher goes on to say, “To deny your doubts is to deny your humanity.” As with free will, God gave us the gift of reason. With those gifts, we struggle through this world as best we can, not always knowing exactly what to do. If we ignore our doubts, we ignore the possibility of being imperfect that comes with being human.

Doubt gives us opportunity for spiritual growth. Elijah (in last Sunday’s Old Testament reading from 1 Kings) suffered doubt, but he stepped out of the cave to see God. Peter (in the reading from Matthew’s gospel) suffered doubt when he was walking on the water with Jesus. Likewise, we all have doubts, but we have to struggle through them so that we can walk toward God.

In this way, perhaps Thomas was the greatest of the apostles. I’m sure all of them had doubt, but Thomas continually had the courage to face his doubts. He had the courage and the faith to admit his lack of understanding to Jesus. History remembers only a “Doubting Thomas”—what a compliment!